Honesty Hour: Opening Up
I tend to think of myself as social. I like to be around other people and feel better around other people. (Being alone sucks.) I'm not the girl who hides in her dorm room. I can hold a short conversation and interact with other people.
Being social comes naturally to some, but for me, it takes a lot of work. I struggle with social anxiety. I worry about who I am and what other people perceive about me. It's difficult to know who I am because I constantly try to fix myself from flaws that never existed. I always feel judged by others. In reality, no one is judging me.
It can be hard to separate absolute certainty from anxious thoughts. I often give up on connecting with people because I assume they already hate me. Even when they've never given me a reason to feel that way. I am crushed at the start. When something goes wrong, I'm defeated. There goes another one.
Another person who could have been a friend. Another person wondering why I say and do such awkward things. I avoid them. Many people have misread me as arrogant. I'm quite the opposite. There doesn't seem to be anything interesting about me. It's not that I feel like you aren't worth my time, but that I'm not worth yours.
I've learned you gravitate to certain people. I love friends who are silly and relaxed because they remind me that I can be silly and relaxed too. I've been playing keep away with myself; hiding from those who mean no harm. I'm afraid to be hurt. But, no one is looking for my flaws.
Open communication is extremely important. It holds relationships together and builds trust. It is the foundation of our lives. You have to let people in. No one wants a friend who's closed off. It's critical to be open and transparent with people.
Finding who you can connect with isn't impossible. Just open up a little.
